The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
