im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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