dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
