i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
