the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
