my phone needs a breathalizer
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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