i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
