I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
is it fun? or sober?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize