I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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