just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
True but thats because hes a fetus.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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