i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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