After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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