Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
