Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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