Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
