why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
