i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm like, not good at living.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
