so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
