An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
