I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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