i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
