Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Lo siento on account of my penis...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
