Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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