I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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