I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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