The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
my liver is dry heaving
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
