...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
