"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
