I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
