All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
