a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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