wakey wakey hands off snakey
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
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