i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
