i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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