he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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