we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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