my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
