Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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