I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
