I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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