Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
