Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
