The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
