She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize