i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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