Acid is not a monday night drug
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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