I'm sorry my penis didn't work
this beer tastes like vomit already
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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