I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
