god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
