I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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