call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
