I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
