Please, let me fuck your mom
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
