i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
