i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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