If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
