chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
