Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
