Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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