Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My balls are so social today.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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